Associated News…. Clowns Are People Too (CAPT), a national organization of clowning professionals, has filed a defamation lawsuit against the author of divine roosters & angry clowns over what it describes as a slanderous attack on the group’s membership.
According to the head of CAPT, Binky the Clown, divine roosters & angry clowns is nothing more than a “literary hate crime.” Binky made his highly charged accusation in a prepared statement given at the National Press Club in Washington DC. “Most people have an almost pathological fear of clowns as being scarier than shit, a misconception that our organization has spent years trying to correct. Now, all our work promoting our members as masters of frivolity has been undercut by some yahoo writer eager to make a buck.”
When pressed by reporters to provide specific examples of “hate clown speech” in the book, Binky was vague, saying all he had read was the book’s title. “Look, a number of us tried to read the book but quite frankly, it’s a tough read. Besides, the title says it all. When I first saw it, I felt like I was sucker punched right in my big red bulbous nose.”
Binky’s’ view seemed to be shared by many in the 50-year-old advocacy group. That feeling was best articulated by one furious clown, Jolly the Undertaker, whose pantomimed clown skit is centered on embalming, burying and cremating stuffed animals. “I’ve been fighting clown prejudice my entire adult life. For years I’ve been going to countless kids’ parties only to be confronted by the terrified shrieks of some sniveling brat wetting his pants at the sight of me. Now, I’ve got to contend with some ignorant wannabe writer fanning those unfounded fears.”
While CAPT’s primary focus is on its pending litigation, local chapters of CAPT nationwide have begun organizing their own response, which has included a letter writing campaign to lawmakers and holding candlelight vigils outside novelty toy shops.
Even though most of the activities have been peaceful, violence has found its way into some of the protests. In New York City at a sit-in outside the publishing offices of divine roosters & angry clowns, a riot broke out when police tried to break up the demonstration. In the ensuing melee several officers were injured after the unhappy clowns pelted police with oversized shoes and sprayed seltzer water in their eyes.
Frank Crimi, the author of divine roosters & angry clowns, has been unavailable to speak with reporters about the lawsuit as days after the suit was filed, he was attacked by angry members of CAPT. According to eyewitness accounts, Mr. Crimi was stopped at a traffic light when a tiny, toy-sized car pulled up alongside him and out jumped twenty furious clowns armed with cream pies. Mr. Crimi reacted by driving through the stop light, sideswiping a bus before disappearing from view. He hasn’t been heard from since.
Despite Mr. Crimi’s absence, his publicist, Butch Whistles, was available to speak to reporters. Standing in line at the cashier’s window at an off track betting room at Pala Indian casino, Mr. Whistles angrily denied the charges. “This lawsuit is just a fishing expedition launched by a small group of whiners in pancake makeup hoping to gin up some free publicity. Frank has the utmost respect for clowns. In fact, some of his best friends are clowns. The truth is that divine roosters & angry clowns is a book that goes out of its way to extol the clowning profession.”
When Mr. Whistles was asked to provide some specific examples from the book to prove his point, he confessed that he hadn’t read divine roosters & angry clowns. “I tried a couple of times but it’s really pretty long. And the truth is I just don’t get Frank’s humor.”
Nevertheless, Mr. Whistles promised that both he and Mr. Crimi would wage a full throttled campaign to refute the charges of CAPT, emphatically stating that “we’re not going to be intimidated by a group of thugs wearing baggy pants.”
The legal action taken by CAPT is just the latest in a series of setbacks delivered to divine roosters & angry clowns, whose promotional book tour has been plagued from the outset by a bevy of interview cancellations, arrests, hospitalizations and near overdoses.
Those difficulties promise to continue as news of CAPT’s lawsuit has prompted other aggrieved groups to join in the protests against divine roosters & angry clowns. The most recent group to join the anti-divine rosters & angry clowns bandwagon is Keep the Others Out (KOO), an interfaith coalition of religious leaders joined together to promote religious harmony.
According to KOO’s Executive Director, Rabbi Harold Bernard, the deification of roosters in the book is troubling. “We find elevating farm animals to deity status an affront to mainstream religious belief. It’s bad enough we have the Hindus worshiping cows, but now we’ve got to deal with some lunatic writer promoting the worship of a rooster. C’mon. Enough’s enough.”
Despite his coalition’s anger, Rabbi Bernard was unable to provide specific instances of poultry worship in divine roosters & angry clowns. “I haven’t read the book yet. I just saw the title. I mean, I tried to read it a few times but kept falling asleep.”
While there has been some talk of all the protesting groups joining together to offer a more unified fight against divine roosters & angry clowns, that appears for now to be unlikely given their inability to find common ground among each other.
According to KOO Spokesman, Reverend Morris Grant. “Personally, I don’t get what’s got these clowns so worked up. Most of them are terrifying. I don’t know about you, but they truly scare the holy water out of me.”