Book tour delayed by my arrest

The launch of the divine roosters and angry clown book tour once again failed to leave the station after I was arrested only days before my scheduled Monday appearance on the Sauger, Tennessee, morning television talk show, Let’s Hook Us Up Some Bluegill.

The distressing calamity began Friday afternoon when I received a call from my publicist Art Whistles who I hadn’t spoken to ever since I called him days earlier to complain about my cancelled interview with Very Uninteresting Newsmakers with Gil Frost.

At that time Art was in the middle of a card game at the Pala Indian casino and needed to cut our conversation short. Despite a promise to call me back as soon as possible, Art became incommunicado. Now he had resurfaced and was eager to explain his absence.

According to Art, he had been fully intent on contacting me but had become sidetracked when he won a huge pot in a high stakes game of Vegas 3 Rummy. Unaccustomed to such good fortune, Art celebrated the rare gambling success by getting blind drunk in the casino bar.

Art remembered little of the evening, other than a vague image of the voluptuous woman from the escort service he had hired dropping what she called  “vitamin pills” into one of his ten Rob Roys. While his memory of the night was mostly blurred, it sharpened considerably the following morning when he woke up and found himself  at the Oceanside Fairgrounds lying alone and naked in a passenger car at the top of the giant Ferris wheel.

While he waited for the park security to call in a carnival ride operator to turn on the Ferris wheel and get him down, Art had ample time to survey his surroundings. Even in his drug and alcohol-induced haze, he quickly realized the fairgrounds offered a perfect venue to sell some books.

Since I wasn’t supposed to fly to Tennessee until Sunday for my Monday morning interview on Let’s Hook Us Up Some Bluegill, Art believed a one-day appearance by me hawking books would be a great addition to the divine roosters and angry clown’s book tour. So once Art was released from his 48-hour psychiatric evaluation at a local mental health outpatient facility, he went back to the fairgrounds and secured me a vendor’s badge for Saturday.

I had to admit that whatever anger I had felt with Art was now overshadowed by deep admiration over his ability to focus on my book promotion under some trying circumstances. He was a real professional.

On Saturday I arrived at the Oceanside Fairgrounds, which was teeming with children, carnival rides and rows of vendors selling everything from knitted elbow pads to fried foods to homemade whiskey.

When I arrived at my reserved booth, I set down a box containing copies of my book as well as one filled with little plastic roosters and clowns. I had the cute red and orange novelties made up months ago as giveaways for community events like this, figuring they would be a surefire way to attract customers.

Unfortunately as the hours passed by, I wasn’t attracting adults with cash but rather hordes of little kids eager to get one of the colorful figurines. In short time I was drained of the novelties but sadly still had a full complement of books.

Not long after, a large group of children came over seeking the miniature roosters and clowns other kids had told them about. Despite my frustrations with the lack of book sales, their sweet, innocent faces prompted me to let them know I would go back to my car and bring back another box.

It was quite a walk to my car which sat deep in the parking lot. When I finally reached it, I became aware that the gaggle of little urchins had been following me the whole way. As they gathered around me, I opened the trunk and began to hand out the jazzy little knickknacks.

Surrounded by the squealing little tykes, I was surprised to see a police car pull up. Apparently an alarmed woman had called 911 and reported a middle aged man luring young children like the Pied Piper over to his car with promises of little toys.

I tried to explain to the grim faced officer that it was all innocent but my pleas fell on deaf ears. He promptly slammed me to the ground, cuffed my hands and roughly took me into custody, where I spent the rest of the weekend locked up.

When I appeared shackled in court on Monday morning, I was able to explain the circumstances to the judge who thankfully let me go. Once outside of the courthouse, I promptly called Art. When he answered, I began to complain about the unfortunate set of events that had befallen me. Art however interrupted my rant and informed me he had to go. He didn’t go into detail as to why he couldn’t talk but swore he would call me back as soon as possible.

 xxx

Don’t forget you can track the divine roosters and angry clown’s book tour by checking Writing Without a Net’s status updates or visiting the News page.

Happy Writing!

Book launch for divine roosters & angry clowns tragically implodes at liftoff

The national book tour for my upcoming novel divine roosters & angry clowns hit an unfortunate snag when my Monday appearance in Pittsburg, Kansas, on the popular evening television talk show Very Uninteresting Newsmakers with Gil Frost was abruptly cancelled.   

According to the show’s producers, they had overbooked guests for that day’s show and, as such, they would be unable to fit me in after Carlotta Biggins, a local woman who collects lint and Flash Stetson, a Texas man who can sing Happy Birthday in seven different languages.

While I was understandably disappointed, I must confess that I had been hesitant to go on the show ever since the interview had been initially arranged by my publicist Art Whistles.

At that time I had voiced concern to Art, but he dismissed my fears, assuring me that my dull background and simple-minded book about a group of eccentric strangers surviving an apocalyptic event was ideally suited to attract the demographic group that made up the viewership of Very Uninteresting Newsmakers.

Art then went on to back up his claim by citing the heavily researched, meticulously detailed marketing plan for divine roosters and angry clowns he had formulated while serving time in the San Diego County jail after he attacked a jockey at the Del Mar racetrack.

Art had found himself incarcerated after he had placed all the money intended for his ex-wife’s monthly alimony payment on a hundred to one shot. When the horse lost in a photo finish, Art ran onto the track, dragged the jockey off the mount and began to whip  him with his rolled up tout sheet before being tasered by track security.

When I called Art to complain about the interview cancellation, he was sitting at a three card poker table at a local Indian casino. Before I could voice my frustration, Art told me he was holding three aces and would call me back. He promptly hung up and after two days I have yet to hear back from him.

Despite this bump in the road, I am eager to continue on with the book tour. My next stop will be September 15 in Sauger, Tennessee, where I will be interviewed on the morning television talk show Let’s Hook Us Up Some Bluegill hosted by Opie “Pork Chop” Fresca.

xxx

Don’t forget you can track the divine roosters and angry clown’s book tour by checking Writing Without a Net’s status updates or visiting the News page.

Happy Writing!