Despite being derailed by interview cancellations and a brief stint in jail, I was able to get the divine roosters & angry clowns’ book tour back on track with a recent stop in Prescott, Arizona, at the Southwest Prepare or Die Expo.
Initially I had misgivings about attending the survivalist convention, a three-day event that featured vendors, expert presentations and networking for those interested in surviving Doomsday. Specifically, I was uncertain how my humorous novel about a group of quirky strangers surviving a calamitous solar storm would play with people who tended to find nothing funny about apocalyptic events.
My concerns however were dismissed by my publicist Art Whistles who had arranged the promotional appearance. Art believed talk about my book would serve as a light hearted, off beat counterbalance to the event’s all doom and gloom agenda.
Listening to Art, I had to give him credit. He was definitely thinking outside the marketing box, creativity that seemed to bear fruit almost from the moment I was greeted by Zena Goines, the exposition’s event coordinator.
Zena was a perky young woman armed with a bright smile and clad in a black military-style flight jacket, khaki work pants, and low-cut army tactical boots. In one hand she held a clipboard and in the other a 13-inch stainless steel bowie knife.
Zena talked excitedly as she ushered me over to the conference room where I was scheduled to deliver some prepared remarks, answer a few questions before I headed to a back table to sign copies of my book, which was at that moment on sale in the convention center lobby.
According to Zena, divine roosters & angry clowns had been generating great interest among the attendees, enthusiasm which was clearly on display as we walked into the room. It was filled to capacity, with almost every person holding a copy of my book.
As I took a seat on the stage, I watched Zena walk up to the lectern to introduce me, my eyes filled with tears. Despite the book tour’s rocky start, it was now unfolding the way I had long envisioned. I was on cloud nine.
My euphoria however began to quickly dissipate as Zena began to read the biographical sheet that Art had sent to her. In a gushing voice she informed the assembled crowd that not only was I a leading space weather expert on coronal mass ejections but that my book was a cutting edge how-to-guide on surviving such a dreaded event.
When Zena reached the part about the deep contribution divine roosters & angry clowns had made to the survivalist movement and the countless lives it would undoubtedly save, I became lightheaded, my head swirling with a thousand thoughts, chief among which was what type of drug and alcohol- induced stupor had compelled Art to write this packet of lies.
I began to compile a list of the best way to kill Art upon my arrival back in San Diego, going so far as to determine where to dispose of his body and what plausible explanation to give to the police to account for his disappearance, when I heard Zena call my name and the room erupt in applause.
Reluctantly, I stood up, gingerly walked over to the lectern and closely surveyed the crowd, a collection of men, women and children in various forms of survivalist dress, all of whom seemed to be equipped with assorted types of weaponry.
My first instinct was to inform them that Zena’s introduction of me may have been a bit misleading but instead settled on faking a heart attack. I began to clutch at my chest but was interrupted by a large, heavy set man in fatigues and bush hat holding a serrated multiuse military shovel.
The man wanted to know why I had chosen to write about solar flares and not what he considered to be more deadly galactic events such as hyperbolas or gamma ray bursts. The question seemed easy enough to answer, and so I loosened my grip and explained that a massive solar flare opened itself up to more humorous plot lines.
Unfortunately that answer didn’t seem to be the proper response as murmurs of discontent rippled throughout the crowd, unhappiness subsequently articulated by a very pregnant woman wearing a hunting vest adorned with a dozen ninja throwing stars.
She stood up from her seat with great effort and, brandishing a three foot, straight edged tomahawk above her head, pointedly informed me that there wasn’t anything funny about being exposed to radiation poisoning from a massive coronal mass ejection.
Her statement quickly led an elderly woman dressed in a safari jacket to stand up and angrily wave a copy of my book about. The woman, who had a medieval crossbow with a steel arch hooked over one shoulder, was furious that my book was filled with a lot of “inane yakking” but offered no practical steps on how to survive a solar storm.
Among her numerous complaints were that I not only failed to mention how to build an electromagnetic-pulse-resistant bugout vehicle but also an insulated Faraday cage to protect electronic components from electromagnetic radiation.
Before I could respond, a thin-railed man in a camouflaged hooded sweat shirt holding a 15-inch machete with a rubberized handle heatedly exclaimed that the book also contained no clear cut instructions on how to line the interior of a home with radiation-shielding mesh.
His revelation brought immediate gasps of disbelief from the audience, which led to people to furiously flip through the pages of their books in order to confirm the glaring omission. Soon there was a whispered chorus of “fraud” and “imposter” reverberating throughout the room.
I was beginning to sweat profusely as the mood in the room turned ugly. I needed to take control and so contemplated returning back to my fake coronary. But instead to my surprise I decided to announce that there had been a great misunderstanding, letting them all know I wasn’t an expert in anything and that my book was just a fictional, comedic tale with no survivalist applications.
I looked over at Zena and cracked a half smile, hopeful she would help me out, but Zena no longer looked like her cheerful self. Her face grim, she waved her clipboard at the crowd and announced in an icy voice that she had been duped by me. Her announcement caused the audience to develop a collective narrowing of the eyes. Their ugly mood soon turned to accusations of fraud, quickly followed by demands from those who had purchased the book that I refund their money.
Perhaps it was the prospect of financial loss, but at that point my mood turned from fear to one of great anger. I heatedly told the horde that there was no fraud being perpetrated. The book’s contents were clearly spelled out in its back cover description. Either they had failed to read it or, worse, had and were simply too moronic to understand what it meant.
My outburst was a decision inexplicably made and later regretted as my accusation of mass stupidity caused a chilled silence to fall over the room, a quietude agonizingly amplified by the sight of several people fingering their weapons, including the pregnant woman who had unpinned a steel throwing star from her vest.
I knew I needed to flee the room but my brain was paralyzed, unwilling to allow my feet to move. Then in my deepest moment of despair, a feeling of great shame overwhelmed me. These people were bullies and there was only one way to deal with bullies. So, I screwed up my courage, stared defiantly at them before I proceeded to run screaming from the stage. My action must have taken them by complete surprise because they sat motionless as I streaked toward the exit at the front of the room.
Unfortunately my escape didn’t catch everyone unaware as just mere feet from safety, I was waylaid from behind by a throwing hammer flung by a twelve-year-old girl in pigtails. The force of the blow threw me into a wall, at which point I grabbed onto a mounted fire alarm for support. As I slid to the floor into unconsciousness, my hand pulled down on the handle.
While the assembled survivalists had prepared themselves to confront pandemics, mega tsunamis, nuclear war, global economic collapse, and self-replicating killer robots gone amuck, they were apparently unprepared to deal with a ringing fire alarm. The result was a panicked mass stampede out of the room, a hysterical exodus that left me trampled underfoot. When I awoke the next day in a local hospital, I had a severe concussion and numerous broken ribs.
In addition to my bodily injuries, I was soon charged with intentionally setting off the fire alarm and ordered to pay for the damages caused by the fleeing mob, a cost that effectively wiped out any profits I had made from the book sales at the convention.
So, I am sad to say that until my physical and psychological recovery is complete, the divine roosters & angry clowns’ book tour is now indefinitely suspended.
The launch of the divine roosters and angry clowns’ book tour once again failed to leave the station after I was arrested only days before my scheduled Monday appearance on the Sauger, Tennessee, morning television talk show, Let’s Hook Us Up Some Bluegill.
The distressing calamity began Friday afternoon when I received a call from my publicist Art Whistles who I hadn’t spoken to ever since I called him days earlier to complain about my cancelled interview with Very Uninteresting Newsmakers with Gil Frost.
At that time Art was in the middle of a card game at the Pala Indian casino and needed to cut our conversation short. Despite a promise to call me back as soon as possible, Art became incommunicado. Now he had resurfaced and was eager to explain his absence.
According to Art, he had been fully intent on contacting me but had become sidetracked when he won a huge pot in a high stakes game of Vegas 3 Rummy. Unaccustomed to such good fortune, Art celebrated the rare gambling success by getting blind drunk in the casino bar.
Art remembered little of the evening, other than a vague image of the voluptuous woman from the escort service he had hired dropping what she called “vitamin pills” into one of his ten Rob Roys. While his memory of the night was mostly blurred, it sharpened considerably the following morning when he woke up and found himself at the Oceanside Fairgrounds lying alone and naked in a passenger car at the top of the giant Ferris wheel.
While he waited for the park security to call in a carnival ride operator to turn on the Ferris wheel and get him down, Art had ample time to survey his surroundings. Even in his drug and alcohol-induced haze, he quickly realized the fairgrounds offered a perfect venue to sell some books.
Since I wasn’t supposed to fly to Tennessee until Sunday for my Monday morning interview on Let’s Hook Us Up Some Bluegill, Art believed a one-day appearance by me hawking books would be a great addition to the divine roosters and angry clown’s book tour. So once Art was released from his 48-hour psychiatric evaluation at a local mental health outpatient facility, he went back to the fairgrounds and secured me a vendor’s badge for Saturday.
I had to admit that whatever anger I had felt with Art was now overshadowed by deep admiration over his ability to focus on my book promotion under some trying circumstances. He was a real professional.
On Saturday I arrived at the Oceanside Fairgrounds, which was teeming with children, carnival rides and rows of vendors selling everything from knitted elbow pads to fried foods to homemade whiskey.
When I arrived at my reserved booth, I set down a box containing copies of my book as well as one filled with little plastic roosters and clowns. I had the cute red and orange novelties made up months ago as giveaways for community events like this, figuring they would be a surefire way to attract customers.
Unfortunately as the hours passed by, I wasn’t attracting adults with cash but rather hordes of little kids eager to get one of the colorful figurines. In short time I was drained of the novelties but sadly still had a full complement of books.
Not long after, a large group of children came over seeking the miniature roosters and clowns other kids had told them about. Despite my frustrations with the lack of book sales, their sweet, innocent faces prompted me to let them know I would go back to my car and bring back another box.
It was quite a walk to my car which sat deep in the parking lot. When I finally reached it, I became aware that the gaggle of little urchins had been following me the whole way. As they gathered around me, I opened the trunk and began to hand out the jazzy little knickknacks.
Surrounded by the squealing little tykes, I was surprised to see a police car pull up. Apparently an alarmed woman had called 911 and reported a middle aged man luring young children like the Pied Piper over to his car with promises of little toys.
I tried to explain to the grim faced officer that it was all innocent but my pleas fell on deaf ears. He promptly slammed me to the ground, cuffed my hands and roughly took me into custody, where I spent the rest of the weekend locked up.
When I appeared shackled in court on Monday morning, I was able to explain the circumstances to the judge who thankfully let me go. Once outside of the courthouse, I promptly called Art. When he answered, I began to complain about the unfortunate set of events that had befallen me. Art however interrupted my rant and informed me he had to go. He didn’t go into detail as to why he couldn’t talk but swore he would call me back as soon as possible.
Don’t forget you can track the divine roosters and angry clowns’ book tour by checking Writing Without a Net’s status updates or visiting the News page.
The national book tour for my upcoming novel divine roosters & angry clowns hit an unfortunate snag when my Monday appearance in Pittsburg, Kansas, on the popular evening television talk show Very Uninteresting Newsmakers with Gil Frost was abruptly cancelled.
According to the show’s producers, they had overbooked guests for that day’s show and, as such, they would be unable to fit me in after Carlotta Biggins, a local woman who collects lint and Flash Stetson, a Texas man who can sing Happy Birthday in seven different languages.
While I was understandably disappointed, I must confess that I had been hesitant to go on the show ever since the interview had been initially arranged by my publicist Art Whistles.
At that time I had voiced concern to Art, but he dismissed my fears, assuring me that my dull background and simple-minded book about a group of eccentric strangers surviving an apocalyptic event was ideally suited to attract the demographic group that made up the viewership of Very Uninteresting Newsmakers.
Art then went on to back up his claim by citing the heavily researched, meticulously detailed marketing plan for divine roosters and angry clowns he had formulated while serving time in the San Diego County jail after he attacked a jockey at the Del Mar racetrack.
Art had found himself incarcerated after he had placed all the money intended for his ex-wife’s monthly alimony payment on a hundred to one shot. When the horse lost in a photo finish, Art ran onto the track, dragged the jockey off the mount and began to whip him with his rolled up tout sheet before being tasered by track security.
When I called Art to complain about the interview cancellation, he was sitting at a three card poker table at a local Indian casino. Before I could voice my frustration, Art told me he was holding three aces and would call me back. He promptly hung up and after two days I have yet to hear back from him.
Despite this bump in the road, I am eager to continue on with the book tour. My next stop will be September 15 in Sauger, Tennessee, where I will be interviewed on the morning television talk show Let’s Hook Us Up Some Bluegill hosted by Opie “Pork Chop” Fresca.
Don’t forget you can track the divine roosters and angry clowns’ book tour by checking Writing Without a Net’s status updates or visiting the News page.